I once told myself that no matter what, these 2 years of army life, I must live it to the fullest. The reason being that time never stops, why should I waste my time whining about the 2 years and 'chao keng' than try my best to be a leader in the army.
Now I am in it, I feel that what I had once told myself might not turn out the way I want it to be. My life has been shifted towards the negative sides these while. I am now a pessimistic person, I don't try things and I always assume that somehow or someway, things will be done by itself and I chose not to bother myself about it.
Where have my true self been? Someone tell me wheres My confidence, faith and believe? The god damn complacent and arrogant me has become a pessimistic and negative butthole. I don't enjoy all these negative thoughts. I kept things to myself so that it doesn't bother other people, or sometimes I find it hard to express myself to friends and they seem to have problems understanding me. I let my happy side stay with them.
Deep inside, this loneliness haunts me every now and then. I took a spin by myself for a short while. Its boring but at least I'm driving around and looking at things that's happening around. I asked myself again, when I can be able to roam around freely again like I did before?
Looking at my recent blog entries, I realised that my personalities had really shifted alot towards the negative side and moving it back isn't that easy and possible as what I had thought off. Sometimes when I should take things easy, I took it hard. When I should take things hard, I took it easy. Its kinda weird, and I don't know how to explain it either.
Did the devil took over me!?
Time is always short whenever I bookout and I always wanted to go out instead of staying home but yet I can't. Things must be done and planned before I can leave my house so that I don't cock things up. I miss my friends real lot, but yet I had little time for them. I really don't enjoy this.
I'm going for my field camp this week. I am so not-looked into it because I don't know how I am going to survive in there for 7 days in those combat rations and those days that we can't have proper bath.